


The things we deny ourselves

by flintrage



Category: The Bedlam Stacks - Natasha Pulley
Genre: Almost Kiss, Emotional Hurt, Harry is a little insensitive when it comes to Raphael's cultural boundaries but he means well, I love Merrick and Raphael as much as the next person but Harry and Raphael are so good, M/M, Mutual Pining, Potentially Canon Compliant, Priests, Repression, Sad, Short, Things left unspoken, Unresolved Romantic Tension, we just don't know do we
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-20
Updated: 2020-01-20
Packaged: 2021-02-27 13:54:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 427
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22328173
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/flintrage/pseuds/flintrage
Summary: Harry is certain they want the same thing. And he's right, but it's never that simple.
Relationships: Harry Tremayne/Raphael
Comments: 6
Kudos: 21





	The things we deny ourselves

Harry rolls on top of him, playfully insulting him all the while. Raphael's eyes crinkle when he laughs, but he doesn't push Harry away. He never does. And this thing they've been skirting around for so many months--this warm, honey-sweet desire--seems to blossom ever-brighter before Harry's eyes. He's never been the kind of man to think twice when he wants something, and he'd have to be a fool not to know that Raphael does too, though he holds it at bay like the rest of his desires. They've danced around one another for long enough. Raphael _needs_ to be kissed--Harry thinks this every time he looks at him, just about--so Harry leans in, finally, to kiss him, and. And.

Raphael stops him. Not hard, not angrily. He just grips Harry's arms so he's held a few inches away, their faces close but not close enough, and looks at Harry with dark, inscrutable eyes. For a few seconds neither of them move. Harry hardly dares to breathe, let alone speak. He just looks back at Raphael, neither of them speaking, Raphael's eyes wary and hard and Harry's soft but disappointed. Raphael could break his arms if he wanted to, Harry thinks. He'd only need to squeeze. But he won't, and he doesn't. He just keeps holding Harry there, like he's waiting for him to come to his senses.

Harry won't. Harry doesn't. 

I was going to kiss you, he says. He sounds embarrassed, probably for the first time since Raphael has known him. Do you not want me to? 

It isn't a fair question and they both know it; Raphael's brow furrows. He's a priest. Priests in New Bethlehem don't, as a rule, get what they want. It's barely acknowledged that they might want anything at all. It doesn't even register.

I'm not allowed to do anything, Raphael says quietly, and Harry grasps the meaning of it. His heart aches- not for the lost kiss, but for Raphael, and the restraints that have been placed upon him. Harry aches to free him from them, but he knows Raphael wouldn't thank him for it even if it could be done. 

There is something bleak and unfathomable in those eyes, something Harry has a slight feeling about but can't wholly comprehend. He feels the pads of Raphael's thumbs rub gently against his shirtsleeves: the most comfort Raphael can offer, perhaps, to someone he shouldn't touch. 

No, says Harry unhappily. Of course. I'm sorry, I won't.

It has an air of finality to it he doesn't like.

**Author's Note:**

> Comments are appreciated! I would also love to write more for this fandom, since Bedlam Stacks and Watchmaker are some of my favourite books ever (I think Bedlam Stacks is probably my absolute favourite tbh), so requests are absolutely welcomed. Please don't be afraid to just yell about these characters at me.


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